Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Adverts on the Telly

do you really expect me to
a. believe Richard (I call him Dick) Hammond (Head), as he talks about a 'perfect christmas' whilst being on a imaginary sledge in the North Pole. Careful one of the Huskies doesn't blow out Dick.
b. believe Dick bumps into Denise Van Outen by the fish counter IN MORRISONS, and assume they know what each other is doing for xmas
c. Understand Nick Hancock's explanation of how to claim back £20, after spending £40 a week for the next 4 weeks and keeping your receipts 'it couldn't be easier'.

have you seen the latest Iceland advert with the frankly horrible (thankfully she hasn't got a biog this year) Kerry Catona, and the frankly deluded Jason Donovan singing 'It's Cold Outside'. Here it is.

Can you seriously imagine Jason popping in to his local Iceland, to buy reconstructed prawn rings at 2 for a fiver. No

Marks and Spencers
Shut up shut up shut up
Real Life now please. I thought that Take that were 'Shine' ing for Morrison's last year?

Let's not talk about The Spice Girls twatting about in Tesco last year, or those cock awful celeb voiceovers telling us we can get Parky for half price at Smith's

I'm just about to get to the point, so thanks for bearing with me.

Celebrities (for that is how they earn their money), who have no knowledge of the product they're flogging, should not ever ever ever be encouraged to sell products that they have no knowledge about
1. Hammond- he can drive a car fast. And his hair is thick and lustrous, and he's smaller than Clarkson. That's It. Not and expert on Turkey.
2. Denise van Outen is amusing in the same way that my friends are amusing in the pub, she has a large voice and she's one of the lads (apparently). No fish expertise there then.
3. Nick Hancock. Can be rude and insulting, and supports Stoke. So not the perfect person to explain discounts then.
4. Kerry Katona...no i've got nothing
5. Jason Donovan seems like a nice chap, but hardly likely to fall for the charms of Katona.
6.Take That. Why why why are they ever likely to pop over to visit Twiggy and that tool from Here'say.

Why are we so obsessed by what other people who happen to be on telly think. I understand if they have something interesting to say about stuff they're on telly about. Are we that much of a bunch of silly sausages to think they will guide our lives .
I think Alan Carr is funny, and also I think Dawn French has been funny at least 3 times in the last 28 years. But that's what they do, and there it is. Celebrate that, but don't buy a Chocolate Orange because she can fit one in her mouth. Buy one because it's yummy o'reilly with a sugar plum banana on top.
Alan Carr's life is probably as fascinating as yours, but nobody's given you half a million to talk to someone for 6 weeks whilst they write it down and make it into a book.
My booky wooky was the bestselling book of last xmas, but I feel the winds of change'a'coming.
Maybe not this year or next year. But one day soon, I'm Strictly a Celebrity on Ice and my Big Brother Can't Cut Hair or Write Crime Novels' will be a thing of the past.

But hopefully this piece of TV genius will remain



sputnik said...

As an ex-pat in Siberia, this is the kind of crap you miss at this time of year. Almost, anyway.

Lucy said...

Genius, Simon. Made me laugh like a drain. Especially the bits about the Hamster.

san said...

Having been without a telly for three weeks, I see that I haven't missed much...

That last one is hilarious, though! I was actually cheering on those three divers...

tim said...

I'd have to agree Mr Key - The last thing I want to see on the glowing box in the corner of the room is Scott from Neighbours nibbling on Katona's prawn ring - enough to put me off my M&S succulent, juicy, sweet, temptingly tasty giant king prawn oval.

tim said...

Just realised that putting M&S has inadvertently put up a Marks & Sparks advert from Google on your site - sorry!
Wonder what happens if I wrote the word Tesco - oops done it again :)

Anonymous said...

I agree ish - although i have really fond memories as a child of the original "have a cracking christmas at woolworths a cracker of a christmas shopping spree (bob dylan eat your heart out) which was full of tv celebs larking about in their local woolies. these were in the days before cgi pepsi adverts and i used to really believe that all these top stars were best friends having a great day out.

The thing is I like some celeb biogs, but then I also like the short stories of Raymond Carver, the novels of paul auster, so dont be too harsh on them !
The biogs people buy as not because they are litery giants but becasue they connect somhow - I read the gerrard book becasue I'm a liverpool fan , I've read the midge ure book because as an teenager I was an ultravox fan and I liked them both
So what is my point - well i guess they are easy targets but in damming them arent we also damming the pople who matter ie the ones who spend

friend of rachel worth

Scott Pack said...

I like your Brooklyn Brownie bet for today. I have some money on it myself. You need a winner this week really!

Anonymous said...

Can I point out there is no Iceland in Notting Hill, where Jason Donovan lives? No?

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