Bookseller Olympics

As the British team storm to victory in all the events involving sitting down (cycling, sailing, rowing), and with 2012 (or 2202112 in ternary) approaching, we in Wood Green are developing olympic sports that the book trade would storm to victory.

can I stress that here at the Big Green Bookshop we don't condone any of these events.

Heavyweight Boxing (of returns)- ideally post xmas, and a particularly strong event for the chain stores.

Wrestling (for extra discount) - a particular strength for the smaller business.

Wastepaper Basketball - the real stars of this event can throw a subsheet/new title AI/publishers catalogue from 20 feet.

100 metres sprint to catch the little bastard who just nicked that copy of Iron Man.

400 metres sprint to catch the little bastard who nicked the pile of A-Zs

Cycling- for London 2012 this sport would especially suit the poorly paid bookseller who can't afford public transport, and also appreciates the hangover curing properties of cycling early in the morning.

Rowing -(pronounced like vowing) with the bloke who's playing crappy music really really loud from his car stereo immediately outside the shop.

Wrestling - with the concept that Jordan/Colleen/Keri/and any twat from a reality TV programme is being given money by a shortsighted and frankly stupid publisher to write a book, which will do no-one (that's right, no one) any long term benefit whatsoever.

Diving - into the biscuit tin to get the last bourbon

Pen-tathalon - in bookselling terms this is the search for the pen that always seems to disappear that was on the desk the minute before.

Marathon - the three month subscription. This usually involves 2 cups of coffee and the ability to say 'no, it's not really us' at least 30 times in a row.

The relay- taking it in turns with that regular customer who spend at least 4 hours a week in the shop and never buys anything, but always thinks they're doing you a favour by coming in.

Oh yes, this is comedy gold isn't it.....